There is much on my mind today but I don't know if I can put it into words. Today I worked in my garden getting it ready for spring planting. Pulling weeds, hauling unwanted prickly vines to the burn pile and loading compost to add to my neglected garden. You see last year I did not plant or pay any attention to my garden. I was too busy and uninspired. I'm beginning to feel inspired this year but it IS A LOT of work because it was let go last year. Lots of those brambles that are supposed to produce dew berries but we never seem to get many so I pulled them out. They are taking over and are a total pain.
I'm almost 55 years old and boy do I feel it! Flabby arms, sore legs and feet, and bouts of insomnia are common issues I deal with on a weekly basis. But along with the common negative issues of getting older comes some positive ones too. I realized yesterday as I was working as an assistant teacher at our co-op that I have so much compassion for young mamas. One young mama of 4 (2 are twins) under the age of 6 arrived late with her kids well dressed, hair combed and shoes on, I might add. She looked frazzled and let out a big sigh as they got settled. You see she had dressed them all nicely and combed their hair and gotten everyone there before class began because it was supposed to be picture day. But because of a light attendance that day, the administration decided to reschedule picture day! The look on this tired mama's face! I wanted to run over and offer to take her children picture just because!
The children in my Neighborhood Animal class are just so precious. That's the other thing I'm noticing that I love. My kids are growing up. The youngest in almost 12! No more babies for me. But these young 5,6 and 7 year olds are really very beautiful to me. Their mamas and them make me smile. I realized they see me as an older mama who has done all this already. My oldest is 27 and youngest 12. They can't even comprehend what that will be like. I couldn't when I was in their shoes. And that's just it, I used to be in their shoes. Combing hair, putting on shoes, and trying to find matching outfits for my kids. And I don't mean matching as in they all are wearing the same printed shirt but let's just find a clean shirt that matches your pants and please wear your nice shoes! Not your dirty crocs!
I wrote last month about waking up in the mornings not wanting to get up. Well, I'm noticing I still feel that way. Some days I don't feel it. I don't feel the anticipation of a new day with activities to look forward to. It is spring here in Texas in early March so that is certainly helpful. I love sleeping with the windows open and hearing my wind chime and the birds singing when I wake up. I think it's easy to think I'm physically tired but really I think I'm mentally or emotionally tired. I certainly feel it physically on Mondays after a long day at school and also on Thursdays when I work all day cleaning John's house. Sundays are actually a tiring day for me too since we leave for church early in the morning and only return to eat and take a nap and then head back to church again. Maybe because of all these busy days, the days in-between feel like a blur and I'm unmotivated to move. I do know I love Tuesdays and Fridays when I don't have to rise early and run out the door.
I feel I have to give myself grace to just be. To recover from busy days. To sit and listen to the birds or sit and write out what I'm processing. It's okay to feel old and to slow down. I compare myself too much to others. I've always had that tendency. I find that even friends who are 10 years younger are much more active than me. It's okay, isn't it to not make every moment count? I don't want to live as though I need to be doing something meaningful every moment or I'm wasting time if I don't. What a heavy burden to bare. Yet, I feel I carry this burden. I go and go and do and do so much so that when I stop and find myself with nothing, it feels wrong somehow.
Right now I'm out front at sunset watching and listening to the birds. The sky is turning colors from blues to pinks. I'm waiting for a phone call from a new doctor that might be able to help Olivia. I hope he calls because I've been anticipating his call all day. My wind chime is ringing because there is a slight breeze.
Levi is down at the neighborhood lake with the Berry boys building a fort they said. I love that they have spent hours there being creative. They have a walkie talkie and I can communicate with them that way. I will probably always remember these spring days. I have to remind myself to be thankful for what we have here. A community lake where the boys can play and explore! It is turning out to be a nice day even though that doctor has not called. I hope to be inspired to plant tomorrow when I head to the local nursery.
I better sign off now since it's late and getting dark. I'm going to sleep with the windows open and enjoy my home tonight. Off to look at soil and tomato plants tomorrow! By the way, that doctor finally called and I'm very encouraged that he might have some way to help my oldest daughter. All is well that ends well.
Kristin
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