Spring Musings

 There is much on my mind today but I don't know if I can put it into words.  Today I worked in my garden getting it ready for spring planting.  Pulling weeds, hauling unwanted prickly vines to the burn pile and loading compost to add to my neglected garden.  You see last year I did not plant or pay any attention to my garden.  I was too busy and uninspired.  I'm beginning to feel inspired this year but it IS A LOT of work because it was let go last year.  Lots of those brambles that are supposed to produce dew berries but we never seem to get many so I pulled them out.  They are taking over and are a total pain.

 I'm almost 55 years old and boy do I feel it!  Flabby arms, sore legs and feet, and bouts of insomnia are common issues I deal with on a weekly basis.  But along with the common negative issues of getting older comes some positive ones too.  I realized yesterday as I was working as an assistant teacher at our co-op that I have so much compassion for young mamas.  One young mama of 4 (2 are twins) under the age of 6 arrived late with her kids well dressed, hair combed and shoes on, I might add.  She looked frazzled and let out a big sigh as they got settled.  You see she had dressed them all nicely and combed their hair and gotten everyone there before class began because it was supposed to be picture day.  But because of a light attendance that day, the administration decided to reschedule picture day!  The look on this tired mama's face!  I wanted to run over and offer to take her children picture just because!

The children in my Neighborhood Animal class are just so precious.  That's the other thing I'm noticing that I love.  My kids are growing up.  The youngest in almost 12!  No more babies for me.  But these young 5,6 and 7 year olds are really very beautiful to me.  Their mamas and them make me smile.  I realized they see me as an older mama who has done all this already.  My oldest is 27 and youngest 12.  They can't even comprehend what that will be like.  I couldn't when I was in their shoes.  And that's just it, I used to be in their shoes.  Combing hair, putting on shoes, and trying to find matching outfits for my kids.  And I don't mean matching as in they all are wearing the same printed shirt but let's just find a clean shirt that matches your pants and please wear your nice shoes!  Not your dirty crocs!  

I wrote last month about waking up in the mornings not wanting to get up.  Well, I'm noticing I still feel that way.  Some days I don't feel it.  I don't feel the anticipation of a new day with activities to look forward to.  It is spring here in Texas in early March so that is certainly helpful.  I love sleeping with the windows open and hearing my wind chime and the birds singing when I wake up.  I think it's easy to think I'm physically tired but really I think I'm mentally or emotionally tired.  I certainly feel it physically on Mondays after a long day at school and also on Thursdays when I work all day cleaning John's house.  Sundays are actually a tiring day for me too since we leave for church early in the morning and only return to eat and take a nap and then head back to church again.  Maybe because of all these busy days, the days in-between feel like a blur and I'm unmotivated to move.  I do know I love Tuesdays and Fridays when I don't have to rise early and run out the door.  

I feel I have to give myself grace to just be.  To recover from busy days.  To sit and listen to the birds or sit and write out what I'm processing. It's okay to feel old and to slow down.  I compare myself too much to others.  I've always had that tendency.  I find that even friends who are 10 years younger are much more active than me. It's okay, isn't it to not make every moment count? I don't want to live as though I need to be doing something meaningful every moment or I'm wasting time if I don't. What a heavy burden to bare. Yet, I feel I carry this burden.  I go and go and do and do so much so that when I stop and find myself with nothing, it feels wrong somehow.

 Right now I'm out front at sunset watching and listening to the birds.  The sky is turning colors from blues to pinks.  I'm waiting for a phone call from a new doctor that might be able to help Olivia.  I hope he calls because I've been anticipating his call all day.  My wind chime is ringing because there is a slight breeze. 

Levi is down at the neighborhood lake with the Berry boys building a fort they said.  I love that they have spent hours there being creative.  They have a walkie talkie and I can communicate with them that way.  I will probably always remember these spring days.  I have to remind myself to be thankful for what we have here. A community lake where the boys can play and explore!  It is turning out to be a nice day even though that doctor has not called. I hope to be inspired to plant tomorrow when I head to the local nursery. 

I better sign off now since it's late and getting dark.  I'm going to sleep with the windows open and enjoy my home tonight.  Off to look at soil and tomato plants tomorrow!  By the way, that doctor finally called and I'm very encouraged that he might have some way to help my oldest daughter.  All is well that ends well.

Kristin

Turning a Corner

I title this blog post as Turning a Corner.  That's how I feel.  But the crazy thing is 1 year ago I didn't know I needed to turn a corner.  Like I said in my previous post, sometimes you just wake up one day and realize you are very unhappy.  And that is what happened to me.  I was increasingly having a hard time getting out of bed.  Each day seemed to get harder and harder to face the day.  I had this sinking feeling that life would be better if only. . .

If only my boys were grown and out of the house, if only my husband and I could get away for a few weeks, if only I had time to myself for more than moments each day.  I began to look forward to retirement when I didn't have to home school, cook unless I wanted, could spend hours reading or watch TV for an extended time every night.  Why did I feel this way? Why did all that sound so good?  My last two boys are 3 years apart and are both hitting puberty. They don't get along very well and are constantly bickering and needing my attention so they don't kill each other.  The younger one is still very emotional and loud.  Did I say loud? The older son would love nothing more than to have his younger brother in trouble at all times so he is a constant tattler. And I would love them to be best friends! I don't remember my older children behaving this way. There are a million reasons this could be the case but that's not what I want to talk about.

I considered putting them in public school, I considered uprooting everyone and moving to find a better life and I considered getting rid of all devices and even throwing away the TV! ( we are constantly setting new boundaries with media)

So all that to say, I was worn out.  I began to long for a change.  I had to find a way to enjoy my boys, to fall in love with motherhood again, to rediscover my passion for learning/teaching.  God began to help me remember what I used to be like. 

As the end of summer approached, I began to think about making yet another change in the curriculum I was using to teach the boys. It couldn't stay the same because it wasn't working.  My whole life was not working.  That's when a friend mentioned her local home school co-op to me.  For 20 years I had not wanted to participate in a co-op.  Too much work because you have to volunteer and too many uncertain influences for the boys.  As I inquired of her what it was like I began to get excited.  It was only 1 day a week, the boys and I could meet new friends, my boys could be accountable to someone else as their teacher!  I could narrow down the subjects I had to personally teach.  All of it sounded so good!

This started a shift for me.  I had a new reason to get up in the morning.  There is so much more to the story now that we are 6 months into it.  I'll have to write more another time to finish my story.

I wanted to post this picture of my new corner in my entry.  I sit here as I write staring at my plant corner where new life and old life is coexisting together drinking in the light.  This decorated corner represents a part of me. I love plants.  Some of these I've had for many years and others are brand new.  Some are even starters from old ones.  It's kind of how we all work as we evolve, learn new things about ourselves and revamp old ideas we've always held onto.  I guess that's what I mean by the word evolve. I don't really like that word but how do you describe someone who is always learning, improving, maturing?  You take the original and because of new experiences, you grow a new arm.  Maybe that new arm is a new concept that feeds into the old but it's new in its own way.  I'm still processing all this stuff as you can probably tell.  Maybe not much makes sense to you but it does to me.  

Maybe co-ops weren't right for me way back when I started home schooling.  Maybe the reservations I had were warranted and served us well at the time.  But now in this new season, the idea of co-op doesn't evoke those same concerns.  The concept of a home schooling co-op actually has brought light to my life.  It has brought me hope that I can do this motherhood thing and do it well. Co-op has been a tool the Lord has used and is still using to show me who I used to be!

Turning the Corner,

Kristin 

 

New Beginnings

Today marks a new beginning for me.  I used to blog when blogging was popular about 8 years ago.  It's been a long time!  Every now and then I feel like expressing myself in some creative way.  Sometimes it's through updating my house or adding some decor I didn't have before.  I think painting a wall or choosing a new lamp is a way of putting my stamp on something, a way of saying "This is who I am." It's the same way you feel when you choose a new outfit or pick out a new pair of shoes.  You choose based on what you personally like,  what makes you feel most comfortable in your skin,  what is most YOU!  We all have our own likes and dislikes.  It makes us unique from others.  Sometimes it takes your whole life to figure out who you are, what you like, and sometimes you feel like you wasted part of your life being someone you aren't and you don't even know it, until one day you wake up and realize it. 

 I like to write.  I'm not particularly good at it and most times it doesn't come easy but when I have something mulling over in my head, it feels good to put it into words.  It's a way of expressing more of me, I guess, even though that me is always evolving.  So I'm picking up blogging again.  It feels good just to put that down on paper.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I found enjoyment in it a long time ago and getting back to it makes me feel like I'm finding myself again.  Because somehow in the last 6-8 years, I've lost myself.  Or a crucial piece of myself.  I hope to write about that at another time for that is what is inspiring this post.  And the name of this new blog.  I don't know if anyone will read this and I don't think I care.  Maybe I'll just share this with my children someday is all.  I still think, even if no one reads it at all that it will be a benefit to write.

The picture above is of my husband and myself.  We went to Arkansas for our 31st anniversary for a week!  Can I tell you we really needed that week alone to reconnect.  Can I be honest here?  I was a little nervous about spending that much time alone with my husband.  We are really busy people and sometimes we can lose touch with each other but you know what?  It was a really beautiful time of relaxation and rediscovery.  God so gently reminded me that we have so much in common and we really enjoy each others company.  We are so comfortable with each other than we can give each other grace to do and be what we feel like without being selfish or rude about it.  If he wanted to go work-out alone in the morning or I wanted to sleep in, we let each other without any resentment or judgement.  So this picture reminds me of that.  A freedom to be who we are separate as individuals and that seems to make us secure with each other when we are together. Does that make sense?  We went that day to go play pickle ball but because the courts were taken up with a tennis tournament, we decided to enjoy the sunshine and watch the tournament.  We knew no one playing, we weren't cheering for a certain team, we were just enjoying the sport and weather.  It is something we never do.  But it makes me happy to remember that day.